How to Approach the Mothers and Fathers whose Baby Has Died?
As we all know, mothers and fathers who have lost their baby, like a person whose relative has passed away, are very sensitive, and when you try to calm the mother about the loss, even if your attempt is not malicious, it may be misunderstood by the mother, and you may be making speeches that do not serve her psychology and even harm her. Oh Attention !!!
I have prepared a list below for those who want to help parents whose babies have passed away more technically; I wrote it so that other people and their relatives can understand a little bit about men and women who have lost a baby.
Although these recommendations were created from mothers' mouths for mothers who have experienced infant loss, they can be applied to fathers who experience this loss in the same way, but with modifications.
1. When trying to help a woman who has lost her baby, the most important rule is about your behavior: Do not tell the woman your own personal opinion about her life, her choices, her expectations for her child.
2. Don't say things like "God's grace, it was bound to happen, it happened". You cannot know what the Creator wants for him.
3. Don't worry, "It's good, maybe it wouldn't be good for you if this child was born." Don't say anything like The thing that the baby is not good is something that upsets me a lot. My baby never had a chance to prove it. Please don't try to calm me down by emphasizing this.
4. “Well, you can do another one.” Don't say things like This baby has never been a throwaway. If I was given the choice between losing my baby or sticking a fork in my eye and pulling it out, I would say, "Where's the fork?" I would ask. I would die for this baby, just as you could die for your own child.
5. “You should be thankful for your living children.” don't say. If your mother had died in a terrible wreck and you were mourning your mother's death, would you be less grateful that your father was alive?
6. “Thank God you lost the baby before you even loved it.” don't say. I loved my son or daughter. Even if I lost this baby when I was two weeks pregnant or after giving birth, I would love it.
7. “Isn't it time to pack up and move on? Don't say things like ". Being grieving and grieving is not something I enjoy. I wish such a thing had never happened. But it did, and it will always be a part of me. This sadness and grief will decrease day by day. -not just mine, but yours too...
8. “Now she has become an angel and is watching you from the sky.” don't say. I didn't want to give birth to him to be my angel, I just wanted to give birth to my child.
9. “I can understand how you feel.” don't say. You can't understand how I feel unless you lose your child. Even if you lose your child, he is empathetic and sympathetic, you can't seem to understand because everyone's grieving experience is different. That's why don't use these empty words.
10. Do not tell scary stories of your cousin or neighbor who has gone through worse. If I had gone through this six more times, these stories you're telling right now would be the last thing I want to hear. These stories scare me and make me cry in despair at night. Don't share your stories with me, even if they have a happy ending.
11. Don't act like this never happened and don't change the subject when I talk about it. Don't be alarmed if I start a sentence with "Before the baby dies..." or "While I was pregnant...". If I'm talking about this, I really want to talk. let me. Acting like it never happened will just leave me alone.
12. “It's not your fault.” don't say. It may not be my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed to do so. This tiny being trusted me to come into the world, but I was not successful. I could have taken care of him all his life, but I couldn't even give him a childhood.
13. Do not say, “You already hesitated to have this child…” I fear losing my baby because I didn't take my vitamins, drank too much coffee, or drank too much alcohol in the first weeks of my pregnancy when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself every minute. Not being sure about my pregnancy doesn't mean I want my baby to die.
14. Say “I am so sorry…” Sufficient. Do not try to speak beautifully and effectively. Say it, you mean it, what you say matters.
15. “You will be amazing parents one day.” or “You are such good parents and your child was very lucky to have parents like you.” say. We both need to hear this.
16. “I pray for your baby.” say.
17. Send flowers and a polite note. -Don't be offended that I can't answer all of them.
18. Do not call more than once and do not get angry when I do not answer. Do not be offended if we are close friends and I do not reciprocate your attempts to help. You can help me even by not expecting anything from me for a while.
19. I have a medical problem or problem in my body Realize that I am suffering not because of my family, but because of the death of a member of my family.
20. I will be sad for a while, treat me as you would treat someone who tragically lost a loved one. I need you by my side, I need time and a place to breathe.
21. Be understanding when I don't attend events such as birthday parties, antenatal parties, and don't ask why I didn't come. For the sake of morale, don't invite me to birthday parties and weddings until I can get myself together.
22. Do not bring your baby or child to my workplace. If your niece is pregnant or your daughter has just given birth, don't share it with me. That doesn't mean I'm not happy for anyone. For now, every smile, a chirping baby, every mother shining with happiness makes me feel such an unbearable pain in my heart. I may look fine at the moment, but I cry every day. It'll take me a while to get to the day I don't think about it all day.
23. “Did your daughter give birth?” or “What an amazing son you have. When I say "I haven't seen him in the office for a long time," you will understand that I am fine now.
24. Most importantly, remember that this was the worst thing that ever happened to me.
25. The word “low” is a short and easy word. But my child's death is not just a word and is terrible. It will take some time to get over it and live with it. Show me patience.
Know that couples who have lost a baby can overcome the loss of grief and depressive mood with the help of a specialist, if necessary, and even contact us if necessary 0544 724 36 50.
May Allah have mercy on those who lost their loved ones, and express my condolences to their relatives. I am always with you and on the other end of the phone with all our strength.